Laughter is the best medicine
but if you laugh without any reason
you need medicine
Rib-Ticklers
Joys of spring
· So, when the pollen count starts to rise - do people send each other Sneezin's Greetings?
· What's the difference between a spring roll and a summer roll? Seasoning!
· PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT-"Mother Nature apologises for the late arrival of spring. Father Time was driving and wouldn't ask for directions!"
· We got the usual showers in April, but in May it rained chickens and ducks. The weather was really fowl!
Sow a Seed
· School Boy - Why is the first letter of the alphabet like a pretty flower?
Teacher - I don't know. Why?
School Boy - Because a bee comes after it!
· Two allotment owners were discussing a third.
First Owner - She's really clever, with degrees in English, Physics, Latin and Geology - but she can't plant flowers."
Second Owner - Why can't she?
First Owner - It's obvious. She hasn't Botany!
· Spring! The time of year romantic young men plant kisses. And tulips come up!
· After decades of working long hours, the baker decided to retire. To help pass the time he planted a flour garden.
Hop to It
· A girl rabbit was showing off the new necklace her boyfriend had bought her.
"But... but..." her friend stammered. "It's vegetables on a string!"
"Yeah," the first bunny said, posing proudly. "Count 'em! Fourteen carrots!"
· The hares were giving the rabbits a rough time until the dog chased them away. He stopped in front of the leader of the rabbits and said, "Everything OK?"
The head rabbit said, "Thanks. Just having a bad hare day."
Punny Ha-Ha
· If you turn a canoe over, you can wear it as a hat. And it will fit! Because it's already cap-sized!
· The owner of the local stables thought he'd get with the times and started ordering oats and hay for the horses via Amazon. He's not doing it again. Two days later, they asked him for feedback!
Animal Antics
· I was walking past the cemetery and I saw a man in there. I waved and shouted "Morning!" He said, "No, just walking the dog!"
· I've often wondered... before the crowbar was invented, where did the crows go for a pint?
· I went to the doctors with a suspicious-looking mole. The doctor said they all look like that, and I should have left him in the garden!
Office Oafery
· I went to the stationery cupboard at work, only to discover it had moved. That's why I have trust issues!
Wonky Word Play
· Jimmy was the smartest kid in the class. One day, when he'd finished his work before everyone else, he spent the time memorising six pages of the dictionary. He learned next to nothing.
Focus On Funny
ME-What are your plans for today?
HIM - A friend and I are going to get new glasses.
ME-And after that?
HIM - Well, after that, we'll see.
· I really liked my optician and she liked me, so we started dating. Eventually, I wanted to move on so I told her I couldn't see her any more. She moved closer and said, "Can you see me now?"
Punny Ha-Ha
· Since the weather got nicer, I've had a lot of days off work. My boss asked me how I could be sick Monday to Friday, but still managed to do stuff on Saturdays and Sundays.
I told him it must be my weekend immune system.
Hobby Hilarity
HUSBAND - I'm leaving you! Here, I've even prepared a list of 14 reasons why, not including your obsession with tennis.
WIFE - That's 15, love.
Sat Naff
· Yea, as I walked through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I reminded myself I was aiming for Birmingham, and you can't always trust Google Maps.
General Giggles
· Half a dozen pharmacies in the area have been targeted by burglars in the past week. Strangely, only emery boards and pumice stones are ever taken. Police are describing the criminals as extremely callus.
· The TV station took on a new weather presenter for the spring reports. No more mist 'n' ice guy!
· My friend went bald 20 years ago. He still keeps his favourite comb in his jacket pocket. He just can't part with it!
Animal Antics
· I don't normally bet on the horses, but I had to put a fiver on Bad News. Why? Well, Bad News travels fast!
· Did you hear about the seal that wore a splint on its flipper? Because even sharks know you shouldn't eat something if the seal is broken.
Family Funnies
· Do people living north of the Arctic Circle call their offspring chill-dren?
· "If ever I was in jail, I would want my wife to be the prison governor."
"Aww, that's so romantic!"
"Not really. It's just that she never lets me finish a sentence."
Snow Joke!
· Did you hear about the miser who kept his money in the freezer? He preferred cold hard cash!
· Which athlete is the warmest in the winter? The long-jumper!
Medical Mirth
· "Why are you looking so worried?"
"I can't stop telling airport jokes!"
"Oh... that's not so serious."
"But the doctor says it's terminal!"
· Did you hear about the man who built a car out of washing machine parts? He took it out for a spin!
General Guffaws
· A major Yorkshire city has mysteriously disappeared. The police have everyone out looking for Leeds.
· Why are hairdressers never late for anything? They know the short-cuts!
Business Boo-Boos
· Jimmy started making yachts in his attic workshop. He thought he might sell one or two, but sails actually went through the roof!
Funny Foodies
· I came out in a rash after eating some nettle soup. The doctor said it was prickly 'eat!
· A British curry fan moved to the States because he hoped the portions would be bigger in Baltimore. The night he discovered they were just the usual size, there were tears on his pilau.
General Japery
· "Ladies and gentlemen," the pilot announced, "we are currently 30,000 feet in the air." Jimmy almost sprained his neck looking up and down the rows of passengers. "There's no way there are 15,000 people on this plane!"
· The sign in the zoo said, "Elephant Building" and there was a big arrow pointing the way. We waited in line to get in but it was a disappointment. No elephants were actually being built when we got in.
· We bought a new, larger couch recently. The salesman said it could seat six people with no problems. It was only later it occurred to me - I don't know six people with no problems!
Top 10 jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe 2023:
· I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah.
· The most British thing I’ve ever heard? A lady who said ‘Well I’m sorry, but I don’t apologise.’
· Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now.
· When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it’s called a podcast.
· I thought I’d start off with a joke about The Titanic – just to break the ice.
· How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag.
· My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He’s Costa-phobic.
· I entered the ‘How not to surrender’ competition and I won hands down.
· Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch.
· My grandma describes herself as being in her ‘twilight years’ which I love because they’re great films.
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