One of the more light-hearted moments in the busy life of Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru comes to mind. Panditji was attending a state function in the Soviet Union and was the guest of honour at a banquet, seated next to the Secretary of the Supreme Soviet. When those Soviets put on a banquet, there was no nonsense regarding egalitarianism - die plates, dishes and cutlery were gold and the wine glasses of cut crystal decorated with more gold. There may have been people starving in Siberia but the diners at the banquet were offered course after course of gourmet delicacies. All went smoothly until the chicken dish arrived. Panditji picked up a piece of chicken in his hands - scandalising Mr Secretary. “Don’t you eat chicken with a knife and fork in your country?” he asked. Pandijiti replied, “In my culture, eating chicken with a knife and fork is like making love through an interpreter - you don’t get hill enjoyment from it!”
The English-speaking world not only borrowed many of our words, it has appropriated much of our food (eating chicken tikka with your fingers is quite the done thing now). It has also looked towards our “spirituality” for a ' while now.
Gurus, genuine or not so genuine, can gather huge followings, especially across die “pond” in the good old US of A. One of the gurus, from India, was due to address his disciples at the Civic Centre in San Francisco. Now if there’s one tiling tire Americans know how to do well, it’s having big public gatherings. Everything runs like clockwork, things, almost, never go wrong. But just as our Guru reaches the microphone the lights go out - pitch darkness invades the hall. The Guru is unfazed. “Reach out your hands,” he commands, in ringing tones. The flock obediently raise their hands and the lights come on again. Back at the Guru’s luxurious apartment, someone from the inner circle asks how it’s done. The Guru smiles “These Americans are simple souls; don’t they know the old English saying, ‘many hands make light work.’”
Talking of English sayings, I’ve always been puzzled by this one: ‘Behind every successful man there is a woman.’ I’ve no quarrel with the sentiments expressed in this dictum, but I can’t understand the geographical location of the woman Why must she be behind the man? Surely to get along with a woman and to be successful in die process, the least a man can do is to have her in front of him.
Which reminds me of another puzzler: ‘Familiarity breeds contempt.’ I should have thought that to breed anything one needs a little bit of familiarity!
No matter how bad things are, the old adage ‘It could have been worse,’ always comes to the rescue. One fellow was very fond of quoting this on every occasion. When his friend said to him, “you know Jim was carrying on with Dr Smith’s wife - well the doctor found him in bed with his wife on Sunday evening and shot him dead.”
“It could have been worse”, came the response. “What do you mean, it could have been worse? Flow could it have been worse?” asked his friend.
“The doctor might have caught them on Saturday night.”
“What difference would that make? I don’t see it can be worse getting shot dead on Saturday night.”
‘Much worse”, said the first. “I was in bed with her on Saturday night.”
One of the best places to catch up on the latest gup simp is the barber shop. But my friend had a rather unusual experience when he went to a local barber for a quick shave. “Back in a jiffy,” he said – but he was gone almost an hour. “What’s the latest?” I asked when he returned. An hours’ worth of gup shup must have some juicy morsels after all! “Not a scrap”, replied my friend. “This barber didn’t have a thing to say for himself, so I thought I’d break the ice and ask why he was so quiet. He said it was the first anniversary of his father’s death, so of course I said, “how sad” and asked what happened? “He was hanged” he told me. Well, of course I wanted to know why, and the barber said,
“My father was the kind of person who couldn’t take no for an answer. A customer walked in one day and asked for a quick shave just like you. My father said, ‘I think you need a haircut may I give you one?’
The fellow said no. Now my father was also quick-tempered, we all are in our family. He argued with his customer, lost his temper and slit the man’s throat with his razor. So, my father was tried for murder, and hanged, a year ago today.” I was trying to think what to say when the barber spoke again. “I think you need a haircut,” he said, “May I give you one?” I didn’t have much choice, did I.”
Talking of barber shops, I have a lawyer friend who is quite bald. He should have been safe enough just asking for a shave! He walked into a barber’s shop and asked if he could have a shave with his collar on. The barber replied, “Sir, I can give you a haircut with your hat on!” That’s what you call natural wit.
But most of us have to go to school and college and take exams, cramming our heads full of facts. Sometimes the effort doesn’t really take as these two examples of offbeat answers from an entrance examination for students’ nurses, suggest.
Q. What are bacteria?
A. Bacteria is the back of a cafeteria.
Q. What are rabies and what can be done about them?
A. Rabies are Jewish priests and nothing can be done about them.
Somehow, I don’t think I’d want to entrust myself to the care of those particular nurses!
But then, the well-meaning amateur can be a big problem too. A man who’d been saving for ten years finally bought himself a motorbike and decided to take his little son for a spin. The boy soon complained that the cold wind was hitting him straight in the chest. Dad stopped the motorbike and turned his little boy’s V-neck sweater around so die V was at the back. They got back on the bike and roared off at high speed. Back home again, to his horror, he found the little boy was no longer behind him. He frantically retraced his steps and barely a mile back he spotted a group of villagers standing around his little son. The boy was lying quite still, unconscious. The villagers explained: “About ten minutes ago he fell off a passing motorbike. He was talking normally when he picked him up; but since we straightened his neck, he hasn’t said a word.”
Asians love children but the English are renowned for their love of animals. When I first came to the UK, I remember my surprise on discovering that animal charities collect much more money than the National Society for the Protection of Children from Cruelty.
However even the English have their limits. A blind man was standing by one of those press-button pedestrian crossings, waiting for the beep-beep-beep sound that would inform him it was safe to cross. A dog that was passing by cocked his leg, missed the pole and pee’d on the man’s foot instead. The blind man felt in his pocket, took out a biscuit and tried to get the dog’s attention. A passer by who’d watched the whole proceedings said to the blind an, “Do you know what that dog has just done to you?” “Yes,” replied the blind man calmly. “He just pee’d on my foot.“ Then why on earth do you want to give him a biscuit?” “Pin giving him a biscuit so I can find where his mouth is then I can kick his bottom.”
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